The most liberating truth about forgiveness is this: it's not about them. It's about you. It's about your freedom, your peace, and your ability to move forward unencumbered by the weight of resentment.
For years, I misunderstood forgiveness. I thought it meant excusing bad behavior, pretending hurt didn't happen, or somehow giving people permission to continue harming me. I thought forgiveness was a gift I gave to others—and frankly, some people didn't deserve it.
But then I learned the truth that changed everything: forgiveness is not a gift you give to someone else. It's a gift you give to yourself.
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32
The Prison of Unforgiveness
Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. Every time you replay the hurt, every time you rehearse the offense, every time you imagine what you should have said or done differently—you're the one who suffers.
The person who hurt you may be living their life completely unaware of your pain. They might be sleeping peacefully while you're lying awake at 2 AM, replaying conversations and nursing wounds. They might have moved on while you're still stuck in the moment they wounded you.
Signs You're Imprisoned by Unforgiveness:
- • You replay the offense over and over in your mind
- • You feel angry or bitter when you think of the person
- • You avoid places or situations where you might see them
- • You find yourself telling the story repeatedly to others
- • You feel stuck and unable to move forward in that area of your life
What Forgiveness Is NOT
Before we talk about what forgiveness is, let's be clear about what it's not:
- • Forgiveness is NOT excusing bad behavior - You can forgive someone and still acknowledge that what they did was wrong.
- • Forgiveness is NOT forgetting - You don't have to develop amnesia to forgive. Wisdom remembers.
- • Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation - You can forgive someone and still maintain healthy boundaries.
- • Forgiveness is NOT a feeling - It's a choice you make regardless of how you feel.
- • Forgiveness is NOT immediate - It's often a process, not a one-time event.
What Forgiveness IS
Forgiveness is the conscious decision to release resentment and thoughts of revenge. It's choosing to let go of the right to get even. It's deciding that you will no longer allow what someone did to you to control your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
When you forgive, you're not saying what happened was okay. You're saying, "I refuse to let this continue to poison my life. I choose freedom over bitterness. I choose peace over revenge."
The Process of Forgiveness
1. Acknowledge the Hurt
Don't minimize or dismiss your pain. What happened to you mattered. Your feelings are valid. You can't forgive what you won't acknowledge.
2. Feel Your Feelings
Anger, sadness, disappointment—these are all normal responses to being hurt. Don't rush to forgive before you've processed your emotions.
3. Make the Choice
Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. You choose to forgive even when you don't feel like it. The feelings often follow the choice.
4. Release and Repeat
You may need to choose forgiveness multiple times. Each time the hurt resurfaces, choose again to let it go.
The Freedom That Follows
When you truly forgive, something beautiful happens. The grip that person and that situation had on your life begins to loosen. You stop giving them free rent in your head. You reclaim your emotional energy and redirect it toward things that matter.
You might be surprised to find that you can think of the person without feeling that familiar surge of anger. You might even find yourself able to wish them well. This doesn't mean you're naive or weak—it means you're free.
A Prayer for Forgiveness
"Lord, help me to forgive not because they deserve it, but because I deserve to be free. Help me to release the burden of resentment and choose the path of peace. Give me the strength to forgive as You have forgiven me. Amen."
Forgiving Yourself
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. You replay your mistakes, your poor choices, your failures. You hold yourself to standards you wouldn't hold anyone else to. You become your own worst critic and harshest judge.
But here's the truth: if God can forgive you, you can forgive yourself. If the Creator of the universe can look at your mistakes and choose love over condemnation, you can extend that same grace to yourself.
Forgiveness is not about them—it's about you. It's about your freedom, your peace, and your future. Choose forgiveness. Choose freedom. Choose yourself.